Dieting Quips

 

NEVER a good dieter, my mother was in the "on-again" phase of her "on-again, off-again" diet plan. She loves sweets, and one day I caught her pouring chocolate syrup into a cup. "What are you doing?" I demanded. "I'm saving calories," she insisted. "I'm eating it without the ice cream."

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AFTER years of unsuccessful dieting, my sister finally lost a significant amount of weight under a doctor's direction. When her suits began to sag, a co-worker suggested she alter her clothes to fit her new figure. "Not now," my sister protested. "Let me enjoy the sag for a little while first!"

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MY BROTHER, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit. Dad hung up. "The prodigal son is returning!" he called to my mother. "Kill the fatted zucchini!"

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A CO-WORKER whose on-and-off diet of the last five years has yielded no visible results, responded to a compliment on her new haircut with: "It's a desperate attempt to lose weight!"

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ALTHOUGH I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn't consider myself over-weight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall. While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. "Hi, Mom," he said. "Watcha doin', having lunch?" I started my diet that day.

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AT THE diet group my wife attended, emphasis was placed on motivation. Each week the instructor sent her a postcard with an inspirational message based on her continual weight loss. One week, however, my wife gained a pound and we wondered what the message would be. When it came, it was direct and to the point: "I'd like to see less of you next week."

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CONVERSATION between two young women: "Brian took me to lunch and we had a salad. Then we split a strawberry yogurt after work. Now he wants me to come to his place for steamed eggplant and broccoli juice." "If you don't like him, why don't you just tell him no?" "I can't. I'm losing weight."

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AT A potluck dinner with friends, we were admiring the display of food. Talk inevitably swung to eating habits and how much healthier our current high-fibre, low-fat diets were. Turning to my husband, I asked, "Honey, how do you like al dente vegetables?" "Cooked," he answered without hesitation.

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A DELICIOUS cake was served at my friend's birthday party. Enough was left for two unexpected guests, a portly man and his wife. From the way he eyed the cake, it was obvious the man might yield to our host's insistent invitation. My curiosity was aroused when the latecomer pulled out his wallet, looked at a picture in it and repeated more firmly, "No, thank you." I caught a glimpse of the photo. There, in convincing color, was the man some months earlier, almost twice as bulky as he was now.

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A FRIEND and I had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything chocolate. Finally it was my friend's turn. Taking a deep breath, she announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."

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AN OVERWEIGHT business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffee cake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery.' "And sure enough," he continued, beaming, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

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ONE day my sister was enjoying a snack when her husband remarked, "You're getting a little broad across the beam." She promptly went on a diet. A few weeks and several lost pounds later, my brother-in-law commented, "You should stop losing weight. Your face is beginning to look wrinkled." "George," came the frustrated reply, "you had better make up your mind which part of me you enjoy viewing more - heads or tails."

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A ROTUND friend of mine, succumbing to pressure from his family, joined a weight-loss club. Well into the second week of his enforced regimen, he decided he could no longer hack it. The club administrator, after exhausting her persuasive talents, told him that the terms of the contract disallowed any refund. "I'm not worried about the money," said my friend. "If you like you can call it a donation and say that I wish to remain enormous."

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AFTER noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my secret: "I put our teenage son's shorts in his underwear drawer."

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TIRED of his extra pounds, my husband went on a diet that included quantities of fish and vegetables. One evening our dinner featured rockfish and cauliflower. When our son discovered a bone in his fish, he asked, "Mom, what should I do with this?" "Put it someplace where you won't eat it," I replied. With that, he promptly stuck it in his cauliflower.

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AFTER my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery. While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake. When it was over, my husband turned to me. "Did you ever notice," he asked, "that they never advertise celery on TV?"

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